why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
