I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
