im six kinds of drunk right now
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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