I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
