No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
