I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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