Too much gin, very little bucket
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize