The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Randomize
