I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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