i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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