Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
