why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
