I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
