If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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