i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
