I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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