I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
