My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
