did you get engaged???
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
