omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
