Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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