i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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