Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
