I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
