Non-Jews are for practice
hell yes lets make some ravioli
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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