I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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