I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She's the barista slut.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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