if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
