I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
