he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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