No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
