dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
