I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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