I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
