i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You dont lie about slip and slides
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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