I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
