just come out here and I will go home with you...
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
