There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
