taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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