your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
