I accidentally had phone sex last night
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
