Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
