maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
