john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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