You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
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