If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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