She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
