You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
