oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
