Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
