idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm having to shit out rocks
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