oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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