so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
