I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
