I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize