the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
