Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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