I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
he's single and there are thong briefs.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
