I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
